Surviving Deep Depression and Self-Hatred Lead me to Finally Love and Accept My Self EP184
I should be dead. Around 5.5 years ago, on my birthday, I was at the lowest point I had ever been in my life. If you know anything about my story, you know that is saying A LOT.
From the outside, my life looked fabulous. I had a couple million in the bank, a luxury townhouse in Los Angeles, had my own business, could work from anywhere in the world (and I did), had “friends,” and my sweet giant fur-baby Molly.
BUT I DIDN’T FEEL LIKE I BELONGED IN THIS WORLD. I DIDN’T FEEL I WAS WORTHY OF EVEN BEING ALIVE.
Truly, since we are being so raw and real here, I never felt like I ever fit in, like I ever belonged. I always felt different, but not in a good way.
I did my best to survive and fit in. I wore the right clothes, took the right jobs, said the right things, had regular doctor and dentist visits, laughed at jokes that weren’t funny, and hit the gym almost every day. I felt like the living dead, just going through the motions of life with rare glimpses of happiness (never pure joy, had no idea what that was or how to get it).
So after a series of extremely painful back-to-back events, I was finally DONE. I planned to end my life on my birthday as a gift to my self, and had access to all the pills and knowledge to get the job done. I truly felt no one would really miss me (not even Molly), and God made a mistake by having me born into this world.
Then something happened that many would call a miracle…it’s far more powerful for me to tell you verbally than write it…listen and be prepared to get the chills.
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